Blessings of My Queer Community

Finding happiness with good queers

As I write this, it is an indisputable fact: 2020 is TRASH! Most days I wake up, and see a single news headline, (Trump won’t leave office, they confirmed Amy Coney Barrett, we’re seeing record numbers of Covid-19 cases…still, the world is on fire and we will all drown or suffocate from global warming… it goes on and on), and I feel deeply hopeless about the state of the country and world. It feels overwhelming that, despite our collective efforts, the same small number of rich Christian cishet men still exclusively control the world and will gladly set the globe on fire for their profit. Ugh. That sentence makes me deeply unhappy.

But unhappiness isn’t sustainable. I cannot stand the thought of those same soulless billionaires and corrupt politicians taking away our rights AND joy. Fuck no. That’s why I've started focusing on, and arguably isolating myself with, my immediate queer community. There’s something deeply healing and uplifting (not to mention safer during a global pandemic) about enacting change where you can actually see change. There’s an unspoken ethic among us that places growth, loyalty, and kindness at the root of our relationships. And sure, I sometimes feel like I’m living in a strip of Dykes To Watch Out For… But these folks also really teach me valuable lessons on integrity, acceptance, and authenticity. All very powerful tools, I would argue, against white supremacist heteropatriarchy. I’ve learned a ton about healing systemic trauma, and frankly, it gives me a path forward.

Instead of capitalism, we have a community

“Whoever has the most money pays. Whoever doesn’t have money contributes in the ways they can.” Radical. I never understood why money had to be an individualist effort. Perhaps it’s my socialist heart, or my desire to build relationships that go deeper than our monetary value. Either way, I will pick up the restaurant tab/ buy my bud’s weed/ get a grocery bill/ or whatever in exchange for plant cuttings/ sourdough starter/ scobies/ rocks/ tarot readings/ or just lovely conversation ANY DAY. I’ve observed greed destroy happiness faster than almost anything else. Capitalism is the opposite of a sustainable or happy model, especially during a global pandemic under autocratic rule.

So many of us lost our jobs, graduated during quarantine, or got fucked over by an employer. Money is tight individually, but when we look at our collective buying power combined with our abundance of resources and skills, we realize that things aren’t so bad. We all have the means to survive and have nice things when we’re willing to contribute. It even works as simply as asking Honey Bunch to show us her brilliant budgeting strategies and saving plan. Money doesn’t have to be a taboo and isolated topic. Relying on each other gives us a far better chance at success. I’m all about amassing power. Our common goal is to improve our lives and the lives of others directly. When we have enough to feel good, we can empower others to feel good.

“Redistributing power”, means knowing how to accumulate power collectively to stand a chance in fighting the oppressive systems imposed on all of us by billionaires. And billionaires need to be the focus when we talk about “giving up power” not the 99%. There’s no success in redistributing power when you barely have enough for yourself. Our obstacles aren’t each other, as much as the identity-politic-inclined, social-media-warrior, “woke” liberals would like us to believe, our obstacles are the 1% aristocracy. The American dream narrative forces us to believe that billionaires are us in a few years (despite the overwhelming evidence we will never be them). We’ve been convinced by the American Dream lie, to protect the rights of the 1% aristocracy, solely based on the hope we will one day be them (we will never be billionaires).

Now, I know one or two of you (see my above liberal diss) will be like: cOmMuNiSm dOeSn’T wOrK… sure. On a macro scale, under the same aristocratic patriarchy that’s been governing our world, of course, it doesn’t. But in a micro queer community, yes if fucking does. And it feels brilliant knowing that we are here for each other to alleviate financial stress. It’s awesome knowing we can amass what little power we do have, to improve our collective wellness.

Reflection: How can we optimize our finances to make a community thrive rather than individuals?

Instead of toxic monogamy, we have polyamory

Just like capitalism, compulsory monogamy reinforces scarcity, greed, and morality policing. Again, that’s the opposite of sustainable happiness. There’s definitely still a lot of engrained toxic monogamy that my friends and polycule are wading through. While definitely not all of them would self-identify as polyam, most practice a form of deliberate hybrid monogamy. They pretty much all subscribe to the notion that love is plentiful. We have different levels of experience and success (if there is such a thing) with managing alternative relationship styles, but through our extensive conversations about love and relationships, I’ve seen incredible growth across the board.

The most tangible benefit of collectively embracing polyamorous theory is the reduced pressure on our individual romantic partners to be our “everything”. Rather than isolating ourselves in our relationships (the way compulsory monogamy encourages) and allowing our expectations of each other to get unrealistically big, we embrace each of our differences and foster what we can bring to the individual dynamics. Take these (albeit silly) examples: I don’t want to watch football with Honey Bunch, no worries, she has a friend for that. I want someone to get my nails done with, no worries, I have a pal for that. I need immediate emotional intimacy but she’s not available, no worries, I have another partner. My pal’s girlfriend is struggling with insecurity, no worries, we have an entire polycule to provide love and validation. More than anything, polyam offers us a lens to truly recognize and appreciate the abundance of care, affection, and love between us all. And if that’s not a way of amassing power for our collective good, then I don’t know what is!

Reflection: how would you relate differently to the people in your life if it was normal to embrace and celebrate many (and all forms of) love?

Instead of the obligatory family we have chosen family

I certainly learned the hard way, this past year, that family is created. My family of origin doesn’t feel like a place of love or acceptance. Their care and kindness are dependent on my compliance to living the way they feel is “appropriate”… which I do not. As a result, I've had to create a family with people who cherish my authenticity. Paraphrasing belle hooks, they “extend themselves to nurture my spiritual growth”. It’s the unfortunate, but true, trope that many of us have strained relationships with our family of origin. Abandoning the obligatory pressure to remain in a family with blood relatives, who conflate love and abuse, gives us freedom. The concept of the chosen family feels supportive and normal.

One of my loveliest friends is the queen of my chosen family! She talks about a handful of “sisters”, though I’m almost certain she’s an only child. These friends are more than “just friends” to her, and she doesn’t hesitate to talk about them as such. I love how comfortable she is with having a family that spans far beyond her obligatory family. I also love hearing Honey Bunch talk about wanting to take on the eventual dad/aunt role to her best friends’ aspirational child. It makes a lot of sense to be able to raise children in a loving community too. Rather than force strained relationships with people who make us feel judged for being ourselves, we choose to invest that reclaimed energy into developing profound relationships with authentic family, even if we aren’t “blood-related”. I love being able to choose which relationships I want to spend energy developing and maintaining. The payoff is far greater.

Reflection: why do family interactions so often feel obligatory? What relationships would you choose to invest in if you could reclaim that energy?

Compersion as sustainable happiness

For me, the greatest joy of having a queer community is the experience of compersion. When I’m with my people, I feel sustained with genuine happiness and feel happiness in return for theirs. My community reinforces that kindness, support, and growth are the real measure of success. There is no room in our space for toxic competition, judgment, shame, etc. When we notice those traits in certain relationships, we foster an environment where that behavior can be changed. We know that it’s not through harassment, forced repentance, or “cancel culture” that we see change. We don’t insist on arbitrary “accountability” in our community, but rather nurture space for authentic learning and growth to happen. That feels fucking liberating.

I’ll add a quick note: I’ve talked extensively about the shittiness that comes with being a content creator. My job requires me to navigate the troll world of liberal-social-media-justice-warriors on a daily. In that space, I continue to see rampant harassment and abuse being lauded as “holding someone accountable.” Bullshit. Those circles have just found a way to justify their own abusive behavior by positioning themselves as moral authorities. I’m HIGHLY suspicious of liberals who use identity politics as a foundation and justification for (most often) treating the accused worse than the alleged “online thought crimes” they have perpetuated. As I navigate how to exist in this toxic, manipulative, and ultimately authoritarian online space, it feels nice knowing that my real growth happens offline anyways.

All of this isn’t to say that queers are perfect and will automatically result in happiness. That is absolutely not the case. As discussed, I’ve orbited enough cliquey shitty drama-filled lesbian circles, and exist in enough queer liberals online spaces, to know that certain communities breed the opposite of genuine happiness. I also do not at all mean to imply that straight folks can’t have a loving and supportive community. Again, identity politics can go to shit. Anyone is capable of perpetuating harm or creating a truly supportive community. Rather, my stance is that by embracing the most authentically awesome parts of queer cultures, we can dismantle the most fundamentally fucked parts of aristocratic white supremacist hetero-patriarchy.

I encourage you to start thinking about the ways that aristocratic white supremacist hetero-patriarchy has distorted the ways that you relate to others. I hope that you too, regardless of who your community consists of, can embrace the radical love and healing power of queer culture. And I hope that collectively, we can turn things around in our individual lives. I know that change can’t simply happen by yelling at Mike Pence on Twitter and that cultivating immediate love is the only real form of activism.

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