Trigger Plans For Better Sex
Many of us have experienced sexual violence or consent violations. Creating security for survivors starts with acknowledging that everyone deserves to have consensual interactions. Sexual violence survivors will occasionally find themselves in situations where they are triggered (even with well-meaning pals). Past memories of hurt or violation flood the present and make it feel like you’re in danger even if you are not. It happens, and it’s not something to be embarrassed about! A trigger plan consists of a conversation between pals that aims to establish a protocol if someone has a trauma response during sexxx or physical intimacy.
A few tips before you get started:
Even if you haven’t experienced sexual violence, please answer the following questions too! It helps when everyone can share and makes it feel less alienating for survivors.
You don’t need to go into details of your trauma experiences to set a trigger plan. If you feel it’s important to discuss what happened to you, try asking for explicit verbal consent (EVC) first since these stories can be difficult to hear.
Remember that it isn’t easy to share these parts of ourselves. Be compassionate and thank your pals for sharing with you, holding space, and creating safety.
Trigger plans are not exclusive to long-term committed partnerships. You can run through this conversation with casual pals too.
Being triggered is not necessarily anyone’s fault and it can be difficult for everyone involved. Remember the goal of a trigger plan is to make these instances feel more supportive. Understand, these situations might feel like shit. Do your best regardless.
Scenes work best when practicing SSC/RACK (Safe, sane and consensual; risk-aware consensual kink)
1. Define Your No’s & Hang-Ups
Start off by sharing some of the acts, situations, words, or other conditions that have a tendency to trigger you. “Hang-Ups” are what Alison Moon calls the factors that aren’t full-on triggers but might make you uncomfortable regardless. Sharing these details doesn’t mean you CAN’T ever explore these forms of intimacy together, but rather that everyone is aware that it will pose an increased risk.
“These specific things are triggering or more difficult...”
2. What Physical Signs To Look For
There are usually physical signs to recognize when someone is triggered. Shaking, crying, becoming non-verbal, hyperventilating, dissociating, pulling away, flinching, etc. Everyone is different so communicate to your pal how you specifically react. When your pal notices your physical signs of distress, it’s their cue to stop what they’re doing and have an explicit verbal consent check-in to make sure you’re ok.
“Please verbally check in with me if you notice...”
3. What You Need To Feel Safe
Getting triggered can feel vulnerable, scary, disorienting, and enraging. What do you need to calm down and re-establish safety? When you get triggered, it’s hard to determine if you’re actually in danger or not. It can take time to come out of that state and feel ok again. Identify the conditions that are and aren’t beneficial. The priority is making you feel ok again.
“After I’ve been triggered, I feel best when I...”
4. What Your Pal Can Do To Help
Unintentionally triggering a pal can feel really bad. It’s not uncommon for the person who’s accidentally triggered someone to also have a strong reaction. Unfortunately, that can make the situation worse. The focus in the moment is on re-establishing a sense of safety. Let them know ahead of time what you’ll need. That way, they aren’t left wondering what to do. Do you like being touched or not? Should you pal stay or leave? Should they get you water, a blanket, an ice pack, etc?
“It’s helpful to me if you...”
5. How You’ll Reconnect Afterwards
I’m assuming if you’re taking the time to read this that you aren’t setting out to deliberately hurt or trigger your pals and vice versa. Regardless, it still happens. It’s important once safety has been reestablished that you are able to reconnect. Offer support to the person who unintentionally triggered you. This can be a few minutes, hours, or days after the incident. I like to remind my pals that I am grateful that they are continuing to build safety with me, even if triggers still occasionally happen.
“What do you need to feel better?”
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