Introduction

Hello! Welcome to Charlie and Max's Polyamorous Adventures. We've compiled three years worth of ethical non-monogamy reflections, artwork, wisdom, and activity sheets to create the ultimate interactive choose your own adventure story. Each week, we'll be releasing a chapter of a year-long unfolding story to help couples navigate the trials and tribulations of ethical non-monogamy. We hope you follow along! 

Below is an example of how each weekly chapter will be laid out and what you can expect. Below below that you’ll find the first chapter! 

Inspiration: 

I've been teaching sex and relationship education since 2018. During that time, I've conducted over a thousand peer support sessions (hooray! Thanks to everyone who has reached out), talking to folks all over the world about their ethically non-monogamous relationships. Certain themes come up over and over again, as well as quotidian struggles. Looking back at my own journey, as well as the stories shared by others, we created an immersive experience that covers the most frequent issues that open couples encounter. Our hope is that through this story, folks can have concrete examples of different ways to navigate through ENM challenges. 

The work that I've done in the past has existed mostly in the theoretical realm. Teaching about jealousy management, BAES, and safer intimacy practices using ideal scenarios and outcomes. However, we realize that love and sex are far more complicated than neat theories and frameworks. We wanted to inject the nuances and difficulties that folks encounter when trying to put theory into practice. We hope that this format gives readers concrete examples of how to apply these ideas to actual relationships. 

Characters: 

Our story initially focuses on Charlie and Max, switching between each of their perspectives to shed light on the complexity of forming agreements between folks with opposing desires and needs. We developed this format to help support folks who are either excited or reluctant to practice polyam. As the story unfolds, we incorporate more characters that practice ENM in a variety of different ways. We get to see situations from their vantage point, which helps us dive into structures that go beyond a hierarchical non-monogamy model. 

All of our characters are flawed because they are very loosely based on humans who are flawed! We see them struggle hard at the beginning of the story, and slowly master skills as the year progresses.  We wanted to present a realistic depiction of how complex, joyous, and painful polyam can be all at once. We also want to show to amazing payoffs of these relationship structures as each character becomes more confident. Charlie and Max are certainly not experts, and as readers,  you aren't expected to be either.

Choose Your Own Adventure: 

We wanted this story to be interactive. I strongly believe that folks learn best through their own choices. At the end of each chapter, the characters are presented with a dilemma that they need help navigating. We encourage you to reflect on what you would do in their shoes! You can also use these as idea sparks if you’re facing similar situations in your actual relationships. It's ok if you make mistakes, everyone will recover, and sometimes they just need a little extra help. This format was designed to illustrate that there are always multiple ways of resolving conflict and moving through situations. The choice is yours! 

Click below to reveal the answers: 

Lessons:

While the story is meant to be fun and interactive, the lessons are meant to provide practical reflections and applicable insights on each of the topics. You'll find links to helpful books, podcasts, and other references that I used while compiling this content. As always, you can listen each week to the Queer Pleasure podcast, which acts as an audio companion to this story and will go further in-depth on each topic. I recommend you flag the weeks that you find you're most resistant to, these are chapters you should revisit periodically. I know that my personal understanding of each topic continues to evolve and change. Of course, keep in mind that our experience of relationships and love are highly individual. I don't claim to be an expert on anyone but myself, and I recommend you write journal entries elaborating on what you do and don't agree with! I love that everyone has different ways of practicing consensually alternative relationship structures. Feel free to share your breakthroughs and aha moments on our community discord. I can't wait to hear from all of you!

Journaling Questions: 

Lastly, you’ll find 2-3 questions at the end of each chapter to help you reflect on your own journey. 

1. How do you best process your emotions and reflect on your relationships?

2. Do you want to keep a private journal, record voice memos, chat with other people on our Discord channel, or leave your thoughts in the comment section below? 

We encourage you to actively engage with this content in whatever format fits best with your learning style. Feel free to share your journal answers in the comments below, or join us on Discord to chat!

If you have any questions throughout the year about this project, please email us at pr@shrimpteeth.com. And as always, we’re open for peer support sessions if you need one-on-one guidance. 

Chapter 1:

Good Beginner

[CHARLIE]

Early winter darkness has settled over Portland. The dampness amplifies the cold. You hurry through the thin mist, down streets illuminated by porch lights, clutching your sides for warmth. You arrive at Interurban, the dark wood and dimness welcoming you back again. It's certainly not the best bar in town, but it feels nostalgic. You snag your regular booth upstairs, tucked away from the noise. Fidgeting with your thumb ring, you impatiently wait for Max to show up. Your stomach is churning audibly.

You're about to tell Max, your partner of eight years, that you've met Buttercup. You're, like, REALLY REALLY REALLY into her. You know you haven't really gotten to know her yet, but, you're Charlie! You don't wait to get to know someone before falling in love. You're attracted to people's essence, like a butterfly to nectar. Needless to say, you crush hard and often. But somehow you know this time is different. Buttercup feels like your soulmate. But you also know that Max is your soulmate, you can't possibly imagine life without them. Plus, it's different. With Max, you feel comfortable, safe, and supported. You've grown up together, met in kindergarten. Nothing compares to the deep understanding grounded in shared history. But with Buttercup, you feel millions of monarchs fluttering in your stomach. She smells so good, like the first lilac blooms. She's kind and deep, and in touch with her feelings... There you go, daydreaming again.

Max interrupts your reverie, as they join you in the booth. They have an inquisitive look on their face, they know something is up. "I've met someone else, and I think I'm in love" you blurt out before Max has had time to properly settle in.

Shit, shit, shit, shit! That didn't come out correctly. You had a whole speech prepared, a tactful way to ease Max into the conversation, guess that's out the window now. You try to explain but what comes out is hot, word vomit, "well not IN LOVE in love, we've only met twice, but she's perfect, we met at the cafe on Stark, she works there... worked there". Max's face is a fantastic gradient of confusion and alarm. You're not quite sure what's going on in their head, and you're too scared to ask, until they blurt out, "Are you leaving me?"

Their reaction is what you feared most. "What? Max, no, of course not! It's not like that! I love you more than anything else. I just think she's perfect. You know. You're both.... perfect." At this point you're flustered, you're talking fast, and you feel your ears burn. Words are pouring out of you, without giving you the chance to think. It's hard to explain, you're not quite sure what you want, so you ramble. Well, that's not entirely true, you know you want everything, but you're not sure if that's possible.

You look at Max, they look sad, hurt, and concerned. They say, "I need some time to think" then proceed to walk out of the bar, just as the waiter brings you a beer. You know it's useless to go after them. You sip the IPA, it seems extra bitter tonight.

This is going to be harder than you realized, Charlie! You know you have to figure out this mess.

[MAX]

You get home, and sit on the edge of your bed, clutching the colorful striped duvet, as if to steady yourself. "What. The. Fuck?" You don't really understand what's happening. You and Charlie have seen other people in the past, primarily, ze's cheated on you. But you two always worked through it. You thought the two of you were past this, you’re committed, and you live together. Since when is ze looking for a new partner? You're not really sure what to do. You want to support Charlie and zir sexual exploration, because you love zir, and you don't want to hold zir back. But at the same time, you don't want zir to leave you and you don't know if you can be... open? You've barely heard of polyamory but the concept just doesn't feel right to you. You're not sure how you'll handle the emotions or the jealousy. Before you make a decision about whether polyamory is right for you, you need to learn a little more... what do you do?

Lesson 1:

Polyam is only hard because it's a new skill. Most of us have only been exposed to one version of love and relationships: compulsory monogamy. Like any new skill, ENM takes time and effort to learn. A good beginner is willing to face the humbling truth of not knowing. More than anything, the start of your journey requires a commitment to keep trying. Big radical changes are upsetting and destabilizing, I recommend avoiding huge upheavals. Instead, commit to small, consistent, incremental changes for the rest of the year. This course was designed to slowly guide you into taking meaningful baby steps to discover the type of consensually alternative relationship structure (CARS) that works best for you. I'm asking you to join me by making a tiny bit of effort every day and chronicling your discoveries.

Humility & Resistance

Regardless of where you are in your relationship journey, we're all beginners in this course together. If you've been practicing for years, take this as an opportunity to revisit your past and reflect on all the lessons you've learned. As a long-time polyamorist, you're invaluable to this community, lots of people are starting off and would greatly benefit from hearing your reflections. If you're brand new, PERFECT! This course was designed to slowly guide you through a typical first year. Follow along carefully, and we'll help you as much as possible. If you're not ENM or don't want to be, that's ok too! Take these lessons as intellectual exercises, I promise your monogamous relationships, friendships, and general way of relating will improve as a result.

Importantly, this course requires humility. We don't know what we don't know. All of us are always learning, there's never a point where we know everything. We will be faced with challenging ideas about love and about ourselves. Lots of emotions will come up, this is ENM after all! My only request is that you trust and continue being dedicated. There's always more to learn.

Lastly, I expect resistance from all of you at one point or another. Shit, I've had so much internal resistance while putting this course together. There are times when I want to give up, think everything is stupid and pointless, hate that I have to do work, and want to break up and move to the arctic. Listen, I get it - this shit is hard. As you move through this course, note your resistance. It's ok if you don't want to do something, you don't have to. Just know that all this material will be available to you when/if you ARE ready to revisit it. At the end of the day, this is your journey, the more you put in, the more you'll get out. I know this can feel like a lot of content and a lot of work, but we tried to streamline it to be useful and effective. Pace yourself, like I said before, this is about small incremental changes, not radical upheaval.

Welcome to being a good beginner! Give yourself a high-five, you're doing it!

Assignment 1: Journal

Journaling is a transformative practice that helps us integrate small changes in our lives. I personally follow Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way. The core of her teaching focuses on the Morning Pages, which are three pages of long-hand stream of consciousness writing done first thing. I will borrow Julia's principles, because they are very well thought out and super useful (if you're interested I recommend giving that book a read, a lot of the content in this course is comparable to recovering from creative blocks). Basically, there's no right or wrong way to journal except that it's non-negotiable and kept completely private. That's it. Don't let anyone read your pages, but do share some of your core breakthroughs with us on Discord! If you've never journaled before, I know it can seem daunting. But I promise writing is effective if you give it a chance. Your writing doesn't have to be good, it just has to be done. Julia talks a lot about morning pages as brain dumps; we're getting all the pesky ideas out of our heads and onto the page so they don't clog our brains throughout the day. In my experience, I would never have been able to navigate my relationships or learn jealousy management without journaling. I can't stress how important it is to do your journaling! Julia insists on three pages, I'm far more lenient. I understand that 3 pages might be a really huge ask for some of you, so I just request that you jot down a couple of notes every day if that feels more attainable. Set yourself up for success!! Take 15-30 minutes for this self-care practice. I promise that over time you'll see a shift in how you approach yourself and others. I write my pages on bright colorful paper and stuff them under my bed. You can write whatever you want, wherever you want; the point isn't the format, the point is the practice. You'll see that each week has a couple of journaling prompts, I recommend you try reflecting on those. It doesn't matter how long you've been ENM, polyam, or even if you aren't, they are valuable reflections.

Journaling Questions:

1. What scares you about ENM?

2. What excites you about ENM? 

Feel free to share your journal answers in the comments below, or join us on Discord to chat!